Another day and another year

Yesterday was my birthday. I frankly have long been adjusted to being busy this time of year, so my birthday, for even me, generally comes and goes without too much fanfare. Honestly, that is okay as I don't particularly like taking pause to evaluate exactly how old I am getting.

But, yesterday also marked another day. It was four months ago that Gabe came so silently into this world. And, that fact stuck me hard somewhat unexpectedly Sunday morning in Sunday School class. I can't even quite figure out what triggered it. I think I was just randomly thinking what the date in the calendar was and, even though I should have already been keenly aware my birthday was the next day, it just hit me. Tomorrow was the 22nd. Again.

It does and doesn't get easier. You move on. Part if you wants to because there is so much still to be joyful about. Part of you has to. Other people need you to keep going and functioning. You do have a calling at minimum to accomplish. Most of us have multiple ones...and that is an honor in itself. But, grief -- when the sadness grips your heart tightly and seemingly pulls and tugs everything moving back towards that focal point--surprises you at times. I did and didn't expect it this week. The three month anniversary really did come and go with minimal impact beyond acknowledging and remembering.

But yesterday was different. It just rose up and still is fighting my thoughts for room to stand tall in my heart and mind today. I think - no, I am afraid, that as the start of May creeps up on the calendar that I am going to hit a wall. Perhaps literally as I can still get so angry. Another friend is due to have her baby and I know the baby pictures will appear online and remind me of my little boy that never made it that far. That is most definitely going to hurt. And, because I know this I earnestly want to build the walks to protect me. Before the storm rolls in, I need sandbags out and helping to reinforce things.

I can't breakdown. Too much on my plate. Too many counting on things from me. No time. No emotional currency left to pay for it either. Please God just help me stay strong and not implode or explode. Steady me.

Cast out the beam

Think of the most heinous sin you can.  What is absolutely unacceptable in "your" eyes? Obviously, some socially signed-off on no-nos can easily find a listing here including virtually all forms of abuse particularly of those that are so very innocent.  Perhaps vulgarities that I won't even dare to type surface in your mind?

Now, perhaps think of sins that others could commit against you.  You may not necessarily fear the most heinous ones, although they would not dare ever be desired or accepted by you.  But, since those seem a little more "out of the norm" mainly because society also sees evil for evil there, you don't really stop to think on them to permit them to turn your stomach.  However, there are a lot of things that really get us riled up and ready for a fight like someone backstabbing you, throwing you under the bus maybe at the workplace, or manipulating you into believing a falsehood.  Now, those are your "everyday" and "can happen to anyone" sins, right? And, usually we see those in others versus seeing them in ourselves - most especially when the OTHER is doing it TO us.

Did you feel the hair on the back of your neck start to stand up? Are we starting to get closer to home? Think of one of those hurtful and anger rousing sins against you.  They're usually not too far squashed down or far.  I think in a lot of ways, at least for me, I keep them in a well known "hiding place" in my history closet just so I can review and not get hurt like that again.  Because, for me, my anger always seems to stem from a hurt - or a perceived hurt (to be fair).

And, since I touched upon sins against us which led to the hurt that dredges up some anger in retaliation, let's just think for a moment on what also falls out of this...a fear.  A fear of it happening again - the hurt, betrayal, lies, and so forth.  Even if it all was born on a false perception, the emotion and hurt and fear certainly are real.  And, that's the harder part to just move on and forget about.  And, that's why those sins against us stick like glue and follow us and turn our stomachs (usually in a hurtful and angry way) when we just think about it occurring again or actually occurring if it were indeed a perception issue in the initial form. Those are the things that we certainly say we "won't tolerate" period, right? And, it typically hinges on how it impacts us - emotionally mostly, huh?

I know for me there are a couple sins that generally hang on some level of betrayal that I fear most.  They actually have NEVER happened to me, but I fear them.  I guess because it is so stinkin' commonplace these days that I feel everyone is doomed to have it happen at some point.  But, it still makes me mad - very mad. I can get worked up and bitter over something that actually hasn't happened at all.  And, then you know what? I get convicted. I get convicted on several levels regarding this (i.e. not trusting God to protect me well enough, not trusting the person like I should, worrying or being anxious over nothing - because NOTHING has even happened and here I am fretting over a "possibility" of it, etc, etc, etc).  But, mostly I get convicted because I don't see my sins as this hurtful and insulting and betraying to God, so I pass them over a little too lightly.

Ouch! I mean, OUCH! How would you react if someone actually had sinned the sin you fear most against you and then just seemed to brush it under the rug as if it never happened? Don't we do this every day to God? Really.  Take a second and breathe.  1.......2.........3.......... Did you think about it? What did you do that you knew you shouldn't do in the last 5 days, 5 minutes, 5 seconds? What didn't you do that you should have done in that time? The items could pile up fast for me here - in just the 5 seconds! How many times have I snapped or thought of snapping at my little 2 1/2 year old because he just won't listen and obey the first or second or third time? How many times have I been bitter about not having a moment to just reply to an email, or get the email to pull up, or that car to move out of my way? Patience is obviously not a strong point in my life. How many times have I said, I'll start that "diet" tomorrow? Or worse, grabbed a handful of m&ms because I "need" them?

Okay, so I'm not the "big" sinner that society thinks is so evil.  Thank the Lord for His grace in prohibiting that, friends.  Because the heart of a sinner is the same...it's all about me and no one else -- especially Him. The little sins are the same sins that nailed Him to a cross. The little sins are the same that will condemn the sinner to die.  I must must must start taking them a little more seriously.  I must, at minimum, think of them with the same disdain that I would a sin "against ME" would draw.  The most tragic in this? The sin that I somehow can elevate myself to a level that doesn't DESERVE anything negative against me...no betrayal permitted! Because? Well, because it's me! Yet, I do not grasp or give thought to that God deserves NO betrayal in every sense - small to large - from anyone INCLUDING ME! Yet, time after time, I gloss over my cheating on Him and sweep it under the rug trying my best to just ignore any hint that it was wrong in the first place.

Have mercy on me, O God! I am indeed a wretched sinner!

Highly caffeinated yet seeking clear direction

I have those brief and all too quickly fleeting moments of full brain engagement usually following a couple cups of coffee - at least in the dreamer portion of my head.  All sorts of fast hitting ideas whipping around.  Anything from "clean toilets today" to "paint the garage" and "plant a garden" (we're talking about every step from tilling to seeding, folks!) can land on my imaginary to-do list for the next 12hrs of daylight available!

I am LOADED with unrealistic expectation believe you me! I have this notion that I'm superwoman with an amazingly helpful and patient 2 1/2 year old sidekick at my side and in one day we theoretically should conquer the world.  Then my sidekick wakes up, asks for nutella toast (yet again! And, yes, I realize it is NOT the breakfast of champions.  Perhaps there is my first mistake of the day?), and the supernatural powers just never quite get off the ground.  By noon we have done well to be on a schedule typically! Usually though lunchtime seems to just sneak up on me and I am scratching my head as to what I could feed my trust sidekick today without repeating whatever he picked over the day before.

I admire women and moms especially that seem like they a) knew what today had in store and b) actually scripted it out!  Those that have any agenda and a learning play time actually on the ticket BEFORE it just sort of evolved into their laps AMAZE me.  And, I inevitably get a little discouraged by it since I never seem to be THAT mom.  I mean, seriously, some days I'm lucky to have the diaper bag on me with a snack available because we're stretching lunch to 1pm because we didn't get out the door until a full hour after I had thought we would, etc, etc, etc.  It's just tough and a learning curve I'm still trying to get a hang of.

MIA: Motivation, discipline, accountability

I don't know if it is a by-product of being a SAHM or not, but there are some days I lack the get-up-and-go that I once had.  Perhaps I always need a deadline.  Perhaps I always need to be stressed out.  Perhaps I just need a tight agenda with a huge to-do list (and some penalty for not accomplishing the tasks).  But, the fact remains, I lack motivation and dedication or drive these days.  I think I automatically take for granted that there's always tomorrow, so I don't HAVE to do thus-and-such right now...unless I really want to.  And, who really ever wants to fold that basket of laundry? 

Oh, there IS a point when it gets done.  I do get sick of it. I get irritated when the horizontal space in my place is occupied by anything and everything and I can't put my hands on some miscellaneous item that you knew "was just here yesterday!" And, overall, my place is not a wreck.  It is to me, and likely always will be as long as we have "stuff." But, it's not organized.  By far, not organized.  And, I do want it organized. I promise...just not enough to really get moving to do something about it.  So, I hen-peck towards organization while a mini-tornadoes of new clutter and the cycle of laundry, dirty dishes, garbage creation and collection, dust settling continues to go on and on and on.  In other words, I try to chip away at the mountain of foundational cleaning while I have to put down my tools and attack the normal maintenance things.  And, far too often, I'm afraid, I just sit down and throw my hands up because it gets old.  And, mentally, I've likely said that's "okay" to do - because there's always tomorrow. 

Am I the only one like this? Am I the only one that once seemed to be orderly and have a well-planned day and then when the paycheck and accountability from that paycheck disappeared, I stopped "working."  Oh, don't get me wrong. I understand that I shouldn't prioritize the housework over the child-rearing.  I understand there's a limit to the worry over maintaining the house.  But, I so struggle with the discipline aspect these days.  I need structure and accountability.  And, I'm not sure how to get that if mentally I can blow it off too easily.  How do I rewire my brain to prioritize it appropriately so I don 't find myself wondering what I could or should be doing yet giving into a lazy mindset? 

Just when you need it...

The Lord will send you an escape.  Although we have account upon account in the Bible - both Old and New Testaments - where the way of escape seemed to appear in the 11th hour.  Granted this isn't the path that type A planner personalities like myself prefer, but oftentimes by walking in the darkness and having to handily deal with our fears and frets firsthand, we learn more.  At least that is truly my own experience.  I hate it - learning the lessons the more painful and hard way, that is.  But, it does make it more real and substantial than a simple acknowledgment of truth when you read and "absorb" it alone.  For my own heart, it is a gross differentiation (by walking the path of trust when you really can't "see" what is coming or even around you) between acknowledging truth and LIVING truth.

My own testimony in the last 24 hours is this: I was despairing.  I was down. I was feeling alone and isolated and again found myself questioning even the unconditional love and pureness of motivation from the Lord Himself.  To others that may sound horrible.  On one level it is.  After all, I KNOW what He is and what He's done and continues to provide for - for the world, for others, for me! And, especially at this time of year that is pounded back in my brain. ...But, I still get angry. I'm still fragile. I still look right past the facts and go for the feeling.  I can't help but hear the voices in my head (not literal lest you think I am truly THAT crazy!) and let the arguments gain traction.  And, I fall.  I fall into sin time and time and time again.  So, I despair and think too little of God and strip Him of authority, supremacy, majesty, holiness, purity.  You name it.  I can do it all...and all in my heart.  Without ever reflecting it outwardly, too! But, I even reflected it outwardly this week.  For those around me, they also were subjected to my misery loves company in the last couple days.  And, so there I was. In the dumps.  And, feeling like I had not a friend in the world - including God Himself in some degree.

But, a light has flickered back on.  The veil lifted ever so slightly - all within a few hours - of my confession of despair and lack of trust.  When I faced the reality and confessed it to another that I was struggling, a few hours later I had some fears very specifically squashed with 2 - count 'em, 2! - counterpoints to those very fears!

So, all that to say, hang in there.  Confess, confess, confess. Reach out to another Christian and confess and ask for prayer and real encouragement.  And, in all of it, be honest and take it to the Lord.  He will answer. It may not be within a few hours, but He knows your 11th hour.  And, it will come.

To the weird half-tadpole / half-frogs out there:

This was good. Of course, some of the "halfway"-ness for me is in the fact that I'm still trying to line up the "feeling" and very real application of this truth to the truth itself.  And, I'm beyond the 34 year old mark, too...and still feel like I'm in the weird stage.

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/letter-to-an-incomplete-insecure-teenager

Is it just me?

There are times where I feel and have been told that I simply think too much.  I analyze more than the average person.  Some of this I accept, but given that I'm not that emotional of an individual compared to those around me (it seems), I would think that I don't think more than the average in how things make me feel.  As a matter of fact, I'd think that, in my own defense, I am analyzing in hopes of being reasonable.

However, that being said, I still think. I mull over things a lot.  When something is "off" then it eats at me.  When folks give their "help" and yet it always seems to be far more self-serving than sacrificial and that gets coupled with the data that they do not want to just sit down and have that cup of coffee and relate with me, well, I start to ask questions.  I question the sincerity. I question the level of care. I question whether or not I can count on a true friend that would back me 100% and then some.

I may be, in contrast, over estimating my own friendship towards others, but I like to think that I crave and try to find ways to let people just let me listen and be their friend in times of need. That's my first goal - a way of providing comfort and support to the person.  The secondary goal is to find the ways and means to minister or play that out by doing things that I can do to lighten their load.  Oftentimes, I feel that the secondary is what everyone else focuses on first. And, that can range from individuals to the corporate (the local church for instance).  We worry so much about the tediousness - probably because we can feel "good" at that and strike that to-do off our list and keep the belts moving on this workflow of our ordinary lives.  I don't know.  I just think I get so very disappointed in this tendency (even when I see it in myself) and, inadvertently, I end up directly hurt by it as well.

And, all that leads me to my own self-pity party, I guess.  When I get hurt by the "process" that those that even claim "love" or "friendship" offer, which makes me question the depth of their words, then I want to shout and scream and stomp my feet because I'm the one hurt. I don't like being lonely. And, sometimes the loneliest place can be a false assumption that you're being cared for when, instead, there's an abuse of the relationship to help the other party feed their own self-interest. Is it always like this? Is every single earthly relationship tainted in almost every expression with more self-interest than sacrificial love? Because if it is, I feel doomed.

And, that leads me to the spiritual point here:  Earthly relationships are all broken.  I may see them as more broken than the average person does possibly. I may truly read into it more than I should and internalize it and allow myself to be impacted by it more than the average.  But, truth be told, I'm not way off on this.  We're all in a battle with our self in this life. We do naturally want what WE want and not what another does. It IS a challenge to be sacrificial.  But, there is One that is pure and sacrificial in His love.  That's Christ.  He came and died (today is Good Friday and a reflection of that very date in history!) for our sins.  There wasn't anything that He gained from that or needed from that.  He served us. He served me.  He gave His all without consideration, because there was none, to His side benefit here.

I am fighting the discoloring of His sacrificial love for me by all my earth bound self-serving love towards me constantly.  I am having to hit the reset button in my heart and head when I start to wonder if in fact even He could (and did) love me unconditionally.  And, at the same time, in a very real "shaky faith" sort of way, I have to strive (that means work) for being content with just His love.  I willingly admit that I, as awkward and odd of an individual I may be, actually do want others to be my friend and love me for me.  That sounds so silly and childish, but it's a core part of all of us, I think.

So, until I figure out how to be "content" with it, how do I walk out handling the self-interested "love" offered up by others? I own that my reaction is one of disappointment and hurt and that inevitably turns into anger.  Flat out anger.  Anger that makes me want to yell this sort of thing into people's faces so they understand what I am saying and what it makes me feel like. But, I just can't just walk about doing that, can I? Apparently though, I can blog about it on a blog that most won't find so it will give me some satisfaction in analyzing it a bit further and letting some of the frustration out of the door of my heart for the immediate.