There are times where I feel and have been told that I simply think too much. I analyze more than the average person. Some of this I accept, but given that I'm not that emotional of an individual compared to those around me (it seems), I would think that I don't think more than the average in how things make me feel. As a matter of fact, I'd think that, in my own defense, I am analyzing in hopes of being reasonable.
However, that being said, I still think. I mull over things a lot. When something is "off" then it eats at me. When folks give their "help" and yet it always seems to be far more self-serving than sacrificial and that gets coupled with the data that they do not want to just sit down and have that cup of coffee and relate with me, well, I start to ask questions. I question the sincerity. I question the level of care. I question whether or not I can count on a true friend that would back me 100% and then some.
I may be, in contrast, over estimating my own friendship towards others, but I like to think that I crave and try to find ways to let people just let me listen and be their friend in times of need. That's my first goal - a way of providing comfort and support to the person. The secondary goal is to find the ways and means to minister or play that out by doing things that I can do to lighten their load. Oftentimes, I feel that the secondary is what everyone else focuses on first. And, that can range from individuals to the corporate (the local church for instance). We worry so much about the tediousness - probably because we can feel "good" at that and strike that to-do off our list and keep the belts moving on this workflow of our ordinary lives. I don't know. I just think I get so very disappointed in this tendency (even when I see it in myself) and, inadvertently, I end up directly hurt by it as well.
And, all that leads me to my own self-pity party, I guess. When I get hurt by the "process" that those that even claim "love" or "friendship" offer, which makes me question the depth of their words, then I want to shout and scream and stomp my feet because I'm the one hurt. I don't like being lonely. And, sometimes the loneliest place can be a false assumption that you're being cared for when, instead, there's an abuse of the relationship to help the other party feed their own self-interest. Is it always like this? Is every single earthly relationship tainted in almost every expression with more self-interest than sacrificial love? Because if it is, I feel doomed.
And, that leads me to the spiritual point here: Earthly relationships are all broken. I may see them as more broken than the average person does possibly. I may truly read into it more than I should and internalize it and allow myself to be impacted by it more than the average. But, truth be told, I'm not way off on this. We're all in a battle with our self in this life. We do naturally want what WE want and not what another does. It IS a challenge to be sacrificial. But, there is One that is pure and sacrificial in His love. That's Christ. He came and died (today is Good Friday and a reflection of that very date in history!) for our sins. There wasn't anything that He gained from that or needed from that. He served us. He served me. He gave His all without consideration, because there was none, to His side benefit here.
I am fighting the discoloring of His sacrificial love for me by all my earth bound self-serving love towards me constantly. I am having to hit the reset button in my heart and head when I start to wonder if in fact even He could (and did) love me unconditionally. And, at the same time, in a very real "shaky faith" sort of way, I have to strive (that means work) for being content with just His love. I willingly admit that I, as awkward and odd of an individual I may be, actually do want others to be my friend and love me for me. That sounds so silly and childish, but it's a core part of all of us, I think.
So, until I figure out how to be "content" with it, how do I walk out handling the self-interested "love" offered up by others? I own that my reaction is one of disappointment and hurt and that inevitably turns into anger. Flat out anger. Anger that makes me want to yell this sort of thing into people's faces so they understand what I am saying and what it makes me feel like. But, I just can't just walk about doing that, can I? Apparently though, I can blog about it on a blog that most won't find so it will give me some satisfaction in analyzing it a bit further and letting some of the frustration out of the door of my heart for the immediate.
No comments:
Post a Comment