Yesterday was my birthday. I frankly have long been adjusted to being busy this time of year, so my birthday, for even me, generally comes and goes without too much fanfare. Honestly, that is okay as I don't particularly like taking pause to evaluate exactly how old I am getting.
But, yesterday also marked another day. It was four months ago that Gabe came so silently into this world. And, that fact stuck me hard somewhat unexpectedly Sunday morning in Sunday School class. I can't even quite figure out what triggered it. I think I was just randomly thinking what the date in the calendar was and, even though I should have already been keenly aware my birthday was the next day, it just hit me. Tomorrow was the 22nd. Again.
It does and doesn't get easier. You move on. Part if you wants to because there is so much still to be joyful about. Part of you has to. Other people need you to keep going and functioning. You do have a calling at minimum to accomplish. Most of us have multiple ones...and that is an honor in itself. But, grief -- when the sadness grips your heart tightly and seemingly pulls and tugs everything moving back towards that focal point--surprises you at times. I did and didn't expect it this week. The three month anniversary really did come and go with minimal impact beyond acknowledging and remembering.
But yesterday was different. It just rose up and still is fighting my thoughts for room to stand tall in my heart and mind today. I think - no, I am afraid, that as the start of May creeps up on the calendar that I am going to hit a wall. Perhaps literally as I can still get so angry. Another friend is due to have her baby and I know the baby pictures will appear online and remind me of my little boy that never made it that far. That is most definitely going to hurt. And, because I know this I earnestly want to build the walks to protect me. Before the storm rolls in, I need sandbags out and helping to reinforce things.
I can't breakdown. Too much on my plate. Too many counting on things from me. No time. No emotional currency left to pay for it either. Please God just help me stay strong and not implode or explode. Steady me.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Cast out the beam
Think of the most heinous sin you can. What is absolutely unacceptable in "your" eyes? Obviously, some socially signed-off on no-nos can easily find a listing here including virtually all forms of abuse particularly of those that are so very innocent. Perhaps vulgarities that I won't even dare to type surface in your mind?
Now, perhaps think of sins that others could commit against you. You may not necessarily fear the most heinous ones, although they would not dare ever be desired or accepted by you. But, since those seem a little more "out of the norm" mainly because society also sees evil for evil there, you don't really stop to think on them to permit them to turn your stomach. However, there are a lot of things that really get us riled up and ready for a fight like someone backstabbing you, throwing you under the bus maybe at the workplace, or manipulating you into believing a falsehood. Now, those are your "everyday" and "can happen to anyone" sins, right? And, usually we see those in others versus seeing them in ourselves - most especially when the OTHER is doing it TO us.
Did you feel the hair on the back of your neck start to stand up? Are we starting to get closer to home? Think of one of those hurtful and anger rousing sins against you. They're usually not too far squashed down or far. I think in a lot of ways, at least for me, I keep them in a well known "hiding place" in my history closet just so I can review and not get hurt like that again. Because, for me, my anger always seems to stem from a hurt - or a perceived hurt (to be fair).
And, since I touched upon sins against us which led to the hurt that dredges up some anger in retaliation, let's just think for a moment on what also falls out of this...a fear. A fear of it happening again - the hurt, betrayal, lies, and so forth. Even if it all was born on a false perception, the emotion and hurt and fear certainly are real. And, that's the harder part to just move on and forget about. And, that's why those sins against us stick like glue and follow us and turn our stomachs (usually in a hurtful and angry way) when we just think about it occurring again or actually occurring if it were indeed a perception issue in the initial form. Those are the things that we certainly say we "won't tolerate" period, right? And, it typically hinges on how it impacts us - emotionally mostly, huh?
I know for me there are a couple sins that generally hang on some level of betrayal that I fear most. They actually have NEVER happened to me, but I fear them. I guess because it is so stinkin' commonplace these days that I feel everyone is doomed to have it happen at some point. But, it still makes me mad - very mad. I can get worked up and bitter over something that actually hasn't happened at all. And, then you know what? I get convicted. I get convicted on several levels regarding this (i.e. not trusting God to protect me well enough, not trusting the person like I should, worrying or being anxious over nothing - because NOTHING has even happened and here I am fretting over a "possibility" of it, etc, etc, etc). But, mostly I get convicted because I don't see my sins as this hurtful and insulting and betraying to God, so I pass them over a little too lightly.
Ouch! I mean, OUCH! How would you react if someone actually had sinned the sin you fear most against you and then just seemed to brush it under the rug as if it never happened? Don't we do this every day to God? Really. Take a second and breathe. 1.......2.........3.......... Did you think about it? What did you do that you knew you shouldn't do in the last 5 days, 5 minutes, 5 seconds? What didn't you do that you should have done in that time? The items could pile up fast for me here - in just the 5 seconds! How many times have I snapped or thought of snapping at my little 2 1/2 year old because he just won't listen and obey the first or second or third time? How many times have I been bitter about not having a moment to just reply to an email, or get the email to pull up, or that car to move out of my way? Patience is obviously not a strong point in my life. How many times have I said, I'll start that "diet" tomorrow? Or worse, grabbed a handful of m&ms because I "need" them?
Okay, so I'm not the "big" sinner that society thinks is so evil. Thank the Lord for His grace in prohibiting that, friends. Because the heart of a sinner is the same...it's all about me and no one else -- especially Him. The little sins are the same sins that nailed Him to a cross. The little sins are the same that will condemn the sinner to die. I must must must start taking them a little more seriously. I must, at minimum, think of them with the same disdain that I would a sin "against ME" would draw. The most tragic in this? The sin that I somehow can elevate myself to a level that doesn't DESERVE anything negative against me...no betrayal permitted! Because? Well, because it's me! Yet, I do not grasp or give thought to that God deserves NO betrayal in every sense - small to large - from anyone INCLUDING ME! Yet, time after time, I gloss over my cheating on Him and sweep it under the rug trying my best to just ignore any hint that it was wrong in the first place.
Have mercy on me, O God! I am indeed a wretched sinner!
Now, perhaps think of sins that others could commit against you. You may not necessarily fear the most heinous ones, although they would not dare ever be desired or accepted by you. But, since those seem a little more "out of the norm" mainly because society also sees evil for evil there, you don't really stop to think on them to permit them to turn your stomach. However, there are a lot of things that really get us riled up and ready for a fight like someone backstabbing you, throwing you under the bus maybe at the workplace, or manipulating you into believing a falsehood. Now, those are your "everyday" and "can happen to anyone" sins, right? And, usually we see those in others versus seeing them in ourselves - most especially when the OTHER is doing it TO us.
Did you feel the hair on the back of your neck start to stand up? Are we starting to get closer to home? Think of one of those hurtful and anger rousing sins against you. They're usually not too far squashed down or far. I think in a lot of ways, at least for me, I keep them in a well known "hiding place" in my history closet just so I can review and not get hurt like that again. Because, for me, my anger always seems to stem from a hurt - or a perceived hurt (to be fair).
And, since I touched upon sins against us which led to the hurt that dredges up some anger in retaliation, let's just think for a moment on what also falls out of this...a fear. A fear of it happening again - the hurt, betrayal, lies, and so forth. Even if it all was born on a false perception, the emotion and hurt and fear certainly are real. And, that's the harder part to just move on and forget about. And, that's why those sins against us stick like glue and follow us and turn our stomachs (usually in a hurtful and angry way) when we just think about it occurring again or actually occurring if it were indeed a perception issue in the initial form. Those are the things that we certainly say we "won't tolerate" period, right? And, it typically hinges on how it impacts us - emotionally mostly, huh?
I know for me there are a couple sins that generally hang on some level of betrayal that I fear most. They actually have NEVER happened to me, but I fear them. I guess because it is so stinkin' commonplace these days that I feel everyone is doomed to have it happen at some point. But, it still makes me mad - very mad. I can get worked up and bitter over something that actually hasn't happened at all. And, then you know what? I get convicted. I get convicted on several levels regarding this (i.e. not trusting God to protect me well enough, not trusting the person like I should, worrying or being anxious over nothing - because NOTHING has even happened and here I am fretting over a "possibility" of it, etc, etc, etc). But, mostly I get convicted because I don't see my sins as this hurtful and insulting and betraying to God, so I pass them over a little too lightly.
Ouch! I mean, OUCH! How would you react if someone actually had sinned the sin you fear most against you and then just seemed to brush it under the rug as if it never happened? Don't we do this every day to God? Really. Take a second and breathe. 1.......2.........3.......... Did you think about it? What did you do that you knew you shouldn't do in the last 5 days, 5 minutes, 5 seconds? What didn't you do that you should have done in that time? The items could pile up fast for me here - in just the 5 seconds! How many times have I snapped or thought of snapping at my little 2 1/2 year old because he just won't listen and obey the first or second or third time? How many times have I been bitter about not having a moment to just reply to an email, or get the email to pull up, or that car to move out of my way? Patience is obviously not a strong point in my life. How many times have I said, I'll start that "diet" tomorrow? Or worse, grabbed a handful of m&ms because I "need" them?
Okay, so I'm not the "big" sinner that society thinks is so evil. Thank the Lord for His grace in prohibiting that, friends. Because the heart of a sinner is the same...it's all about me and no one else -- especially Him. The little sins are the same sins that nailed Him to a cross. The little sins are the same that will condemn the sinner to die. I must must must start taking them a little more seriously. I must, at minimum, think of them with the same disdain that I would a sin "against ME" would draw. The most tragic in this? The sin that I somehow can elevate myself to a level that doesn't DESERVE anything negative against me...no betrayal permitted! Because? Well, because it's me! Yet, I do not grasp or give thought to that God deserves NO betrayal in every sense - small to large - from anyone INCLUDING ME! Yet, time after time, I gloss over my cheating on Him and sweep it under the rug trying my best to just ignore any hint that it was wrong in the first place.
Have mercy on me, O God! I am indeed a wretched sinner!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Highly caffeinated yet seeking clear direction
I have those brief and all too quickly fleeting moments of full brain engagement usually following a couple cups of coffee - at least in the dreamer portion of my head. All sorts of fast hitting ideas whipping around. Anything from "clean toilets today" to "paint the garage" and "plant a garden" (we're talking about every step from tilling to seeding, folks!) can land on my imaginary to-do list for the next 12hrs of daylight available!
I am LOADED with unrealistic expectation believe you me! I have this notion that I'm superwoman with an amazingly helpful and patient 2 1/2 year old sidekick at my side and in one day we theoretically should conquer the world. Then my sidekick wakes up, asks for nutella toast (yet again! And, yes, I realize it is NOT the breakfast of champions. Perhaps there is my first mistake of the day?), and the supernatural powers just never quite get off the ground. By noon we have done well to be on a schedule typically! Usually though lunchtime seems to just sneak up on me and I am scratching my head as to what I could feed my trust sidekick today without repeating whatever he picked over the day before.
I admire women and moms especially that seem like they a) knew what today had in store and b) actually scripted it out! Those that have any agenda and a learning play time actually on the ticket BEFORE it just sort of evolved into their laps AMAZE me. And, I inevitably get a little discouraged by it since I never seem to be THAT mom. I mean, seriously, some days I'm lucky to have the diaper bag on me with a snack available because we're stretching lunch to 1pm because we didn't get out the door until a full hour after I had thought we would, etc, etc, etc. It's just tough and a learning curve I'm still trying to get a hang of.
I am LOADED with unrealistic expectation believe you me! I have this notion that I'm superwoman with an amazingly helpful and patient 2 1/2 year old sidekick at my side and in one day we theoretically should conquer the world. Then my sidekick wakes up, asks for nutella toast (yet again! And, yes, I realize it is NOT the breakfast of champions. Perhaps there is my first mistake of the day?), and the supernatural powers just never quite get off the ground. By noon we have done well to be on a schedule typically! Usually though lunchtime seems to just sneak up on me and I am scratching my head as to what I could feed my trust sidekick today without repeating whatever he picked over the day before.
I admire women and moms especially that seem like they a) knew what today had in store and b) actually scripted it out! Those that have any agenda and a learning play time actually on the ticket BEFORE it just sort of evolved into their laps AMAZE me. And, I inevitably get a little discouraged by it since I never seem to be THAT mom. I mean, seriously, some days I'm lucky to have the diaper bag on me with a snack available because we're stretching lunch to 1pm because we didn't get out the door until a full hour after I had thought we would, etc, etc, etc. It's just tough and a learning curve I'm still trying to get a hang of.
Monday, April 1, 2013
MIA: Motivation, discipline, accountability
I don't know if it is a by-product of being a SAHM or not, but there are some days I lack the get-up-and-go that I once had. Perhaps I always need a deadline. Perhaps I always need to be stressed out. Perhaps I just need a tight agenda with a huge to-do list (and some penalty for not accomplishing the tasks). But, the fact remains, I lack motivation and dedication or drive these days. I think I automatically take for granted that there's always tomorrow, so I don't HAVE to do thus-and-such right now...unless I really want to. And, who really ever wants to fold that basket of laundry?
Oh, there IS a point when it gets done. I do get sick of it. I get irritated when the horizontal space in my place is occupied by anything and everything and I can't put my hands on some miscellaneous item that you knew "was just here yesterday!" And, overall, my place is not a wreck. It is to me, and likely always will be as long as we have "stuff." But, it's not organized. By far, not organized. And, I do want it organized. I promise...just not enough to really get moving to do something about it. So, I hen-peck towards organization while a mini-tornadoes of new clutter and the cycle of laundry, dirty dishes, garbage creation and collection, dust settling continues to go on and on and on. In other words, I try to chip away at the mountain of foundational cleaning while I have to put down my tools and attack the normal maintenance things. And, far too often, I'm afraid, I just sit down and throw my hands up because it gets old. And, mentally, I've likely said that's "okay" to do - because there's always tomorrow.
Am I the only one like this? Am I the only one that once seemed to be orderly and have a well-planned day and then when the paycheck and accountability from that paycheck disappeared, I stopped "working." Oh, don't get me wrong. I understand that I shouldn't prioritize the housework over the child-rearing. I understand there's a limit to the worry over maintaining the house. But, I so struggle with the discipline aspect these days. I need structure and accountability. And, I'm not sure how to get that if mentally I can blow it off too easily. How do I rewire my brain to prioritize it appropriately so I don 't find myself wondering what I could or should be doing yet giving into a lazy mindset?
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