Another day and another year

Yesterday was my birthday. I frankly have long been adjusted to being busy this time of year, so my birthday, for even me, generally comes and goes without too much fanfare. Honestly, that is okay as I don't particularly like taking pause to evaluate exactly how old I am getting.

But, yesterday also marked another day. It was four months ago that Gabe came so silently into this world. And, that fact stuck me hard somewhat unexpectedly Sunday morning in Sunday School class. I can't even quite figure out what triggered it. I think I was just randomly thinking what the date in the calendar was and, even though I should have already been keenly aware my birthday was the next day, it just hit me. Tomorrow was the 22nd. Again.

It does and doesn't get easier. You move on. Part if you wants to because there is so much still to be joyful about. Part of you has to. Other people need you to keep going and functioning. You do have a calling at minimum to accomplish. Most of us have multiple ones...and that is an honor in itself. But, grief -- when the sadness grips your heart tightly and seemingly pulls and tugs everything moving back towards that focal point--surprises you at times. I did and didn't expect it this week. The three month anniversary really did come and go with minimal impact beyond acknowledging and remembering.

But yesterday was different. It just rose up and still is fighting my thoughts for room to stand tall in my heart and mind today. I think - no, I am afraid, that as the start of May creeps up on the calendar that I am going to hit a wall. Perhaps literally as I can still get so angry. Another friend is due to have her baby and I know the baby pictures will appear online and remind me of my little boy that never made it that far. That is most definitely going to hurt. And, because I know this I earnestly want to build the walks to protect me. Before the storm rolls in, I need sandbags out and helping to reinforce things.

I can't breakdown. Too much on my plate. Too many counting on things from me. No time. No emotional currency left to pay for it either. Please God just help me stay strong and not implode or explode. Steady me.