Bittersweet

This morning will mark the end of a Beth Moore Bible study on the Psalms of Ascent for me. The close of any of the studies I participate in, and especially those that I am leading or facilitating, always brings some mixed emotions. 

For one, I am honestly relieved. You may find that less-than-ideal of an answer from someone "leading" a study. But, in all honestly, I am spent by the end. It never fails that in taking up the role to be somewhere consistently, diligently seeking after others' hearts, consciously being aware of the lessons and homework to guard ears from error or steer myself and others towards the bigger points of Christ....well, it is work. It is a good work though and continues to train me. And, I know it is a good work just because of the constant tiny battles that pop up in the path of doing the work set before me - everything from broken washing machines and computers, irritability with your whole family some nights, colds and fevers dragging you down, and the pull from the million other duties you see on your plate. So, in some sense, it is good to come to yet another end and lighten the load at least for a brief rest.

But, on the other hand, it is sad to depart. I know for me, despite your beliefs over how strong Beth Moore is or any particular study is, I have grown. I do believe most of the growth stems directly from being forced to read and think on and digest or apply God's Word. The study shows us passages and makes us pause to really stop and listen, and I do tend to be optimistic (maybe because I personally experience it each time) that God's Word ultimately shines through. 

As a side note, to those that seem to have such a distaste for Beth Moore, I don't find her to be a false teacher at all. Her personality is somewhat caricature for me (probably because I am so dull!), but she is not really unlike some if my real life friends. And, she does have a sincere love for our Lord and His truth. Most of the critiques I have seen of her have been out if context with the body of who she is and what she says (this is my 3rd completed study by her). 

And, since I have grown in my personal walk with the Lord, it is all worthwhile. Yet, there are more benefits. I get to see hearts of ladies around me open and grow, too. We have laughed and cried together. We have poked fun at one another and encouraged, too. We become friends in sharing the pilgrimage to know Christ our Lord more deeply and dearly. We are all in different stages of our walk with Him to be sure. Some are stronger in areas than others. Some are weaker than others, too. But, it becomes a small picture of the bigger church in this sort of study together. We start to solidify our unity in Christ. We start to work together as parts of the body do. And, that is a beautiful thing! It is encouraging because of the practical things the union achieves. It is encouraging to see God's Word on the matter of union, the Church, edifying and a coursing, and more prove to be true yet again. 

To those that are not "plugged in," let me say you are missing out! There are blessings there. Get in. Mix it up. Dig into God's Word regardless! But, do yourself a favor and find the additional helps and bonuses by doing it with another as well!

A treasure found!

Last night in our Wednesday evening Ladies' Bible Study the question arose regarding what "the horn of salvation" really meant.  We were looking at 2 Samuel 22:3 within our current study Living Victoriously in Difficult Times. That verse reads:

My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge; my savior, You save me from violence.

But, what is this "horn of salvation" exactly?  None of us knew fully but could only guess and assume the answer.  Safe to say, I think most of us were on point with what it is.  However, I had to google for answers anyway this morning.  And, in doing so, the Lord led me to a more complete answer that just happened to be contained within a great sermon transcript.  He often does that, if you haven't noticed.  When you go to His Word for answers, He gives abundantly more than you came in desiring.  His grace is like that.  He opens the promised doors to seekers and then blows your mind with what is behind it.

So, without further adieu, here is the sermon plus link. You can listen to it by following the link if you don't have time to read.  And, if you only have time to check out a portion, at minimum get into the 2nd half which has the direct answers to what the "horn" actually is!

http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/jesus-is-the-horn-of-salvation

You're listening to Jesus Is the Horn of Salvation

By John Piper. ©2013 Desiring God Foundation. Website: desiringGod.org

Luke 1:67–79

When Herod was king of Judea there was a priest named Zechariah of the division of Abijah; and he had a wife of the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. And they were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord, blameless. But they had no child because Elizabeth was barren and both were advanced in years. (Luke 1:5–7)

But God, desiring to show that he regards the broken-hearted and that nothing human can stop his resolves on their behalf, sends the mighty angel Gabriel with a word for old Zechariah:

Your prayer has been heard and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall call his name John. And you will have joy and gladness and many will rejoice at his birth; for he will be great before the Lord, and he shall drink no wine or strong drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit even from his mother's womb. And he will turn many of the sons of Israel to the Lord their God, and he will go before him in the Spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just, to make ready for the Lord a people prepared. (Luke 1:13–17)

Zechariah couldn't believe the news. And said as much. So Gabriel responded with indignation:

I am Gabriel, who stands in the presence of God; and I was sent to speak to you and to bring you this good news. And, behold, you will be silent and unable to speak until the day that these things come to pass, because you did not believe my words, which will be fulfilled in their time. (Luke 1:19, 20)

Nine months later the time came. Elizabeth gave birth to John the Baptist. At the child's circumcision the neighbors started to call the child Zechariah after his father, but, in obedience to God, Zechariah wrote on a tablet: "His name is John." And immediately his tongue was loosed and he was filled with the Holy Spirit and prophesied:

Blessed be the Lord God of Israel,
For he has visited us and accomplished redemption for his people,
And has raised up a horn of salvation for us
In the house of David his servant—
As he spoke by the mouth of his holy prophets from of old—
That we should be saved from our enemies,
And from the hand of all who hate us;
To perform the mercy promised to our fathers,
And to remember his holy covenant,
The oath which he swore to our father Abraham,
To grant us that we, being delivered from the hand of our enemies,
Might serve him without fear,
In holiness and righteousness before him all the days of our life.
And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High;
For you will go before the Lord to prepare his ways,
To give knowledge of salvation to his people
In the forgiveness of their sins,
Through the tender mercies of our God,
By which the day shall dawn upon us from on high
To give light to those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death,
To guide our feet into the way of peace.

Zechariah's Silence and Solitude

Zechariah had had nine months of silence to brood and ponder and pray and meditate on his Bible, the Old Testament. His silence may have been a divine rebuke for his unbelief, but God always turns his rebukes into rewards for those who keep faith. Remember that, you who right now suffer from the scars of past sins. If you keep faith now God will turn the marks of sin into memorials of grace. Where sin abounded, grace did much more abound (Romans 5:20).
I love to think of Zechariah in those months, groaning under God's rebuke, yet gradually discovering the reward. At first lacerating himself: "Why didn't I believe the word of God? Why did I have to be so skeptical? What a fool I was!" But then, gradually, in the silence of those months (I think the angel had struck Zechariah deaf as well as dumb because in verse 62 it says they communicated to him with signs instead of speech)—gradually in the silence of those months, when he could not converse with his wife or friends, Zechariah began to see what was happening. It began to sink into his head and heart that these were stupendous, unrepeatable, incredibly significant days.
I cannot pass over this experience of Zechariah without making an application for our day. And it is this: If we don't seek out silence, we will probably not feel the stupendous significance of God's work in history on our lives. It would be a rare thing to be gripped and moved deeply in a noisy room. There is a close correlation between stillness and a sense of the stupendous. The most astonishing things about reality will probably be missed by those who use the radio and TV for a constant background drone. Be still, be dumb and deaf, and know that I am God. What would it mean for your life if for nine months you could not hear or say anything! I have tried to imagine what it would mean for my ministry and home life. No preaching. No counseling. No singing. But lots more seeing. Lots more looking into the eyes of my wife and sons. (When was the last time you looked steadily into someone's eyes?) Lots more reading the great books. Lots more writing journals, poems, letters, thoughts about life. Lots more prayer and meditation on the Word of God. All in absolute silence. If God should ever give me such a period, I hope that I would turn it to as much good as Zechariah did. Because when Zechariah came out, he came out filled with the Holy Spirit and singing what has come to be known as the Benedictus, a song filled with insight and with a sense of the stupendous significance of what was about to happen with the birth of Jesus. So while we ponder now how we will seek some silence for ourselves, let us learn from what the Holy Spirit taught Zechariah.

Zechariah's Song of the Savior

Most of Zechariah's song is taken up not with his own son but with the salvation the Messiah would bring. Only two verses (76 and 77) refer to John the Baptist specifically: He will go before the Lord to prepare his ways by calling the people to repentance. The rest of the Benedictus is about what the coming of Jesus is going to mean.
Zechariah begins in verse 68: "Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, because he has visited and redeemed his people." Notice four remarkable things. First, nine months earlier Zechariah could not believe his wife would have a child. Now, filled with the Holy Spirit, he is so confident of God's redeeming work in the coming Messiah that he puts it in the past tense. For the mind of faith, a promised act of God is as good as done. Zechariah has learned to take God at his word and so has a remarkable assurance: "God has visited and redeemed!"
Second, the coming of Jesus the Messiah is a visitation of God to our world: "The God of Israel has visited and redeemed." For centuries the Jewish people had languished under the conviction that God had withdrawn: the spirit of prophecy had ceased, Israel had fallen into the hands of Rome. And all the godly in Israel were awaiting the visitation of God. Luke tells us in 2:25 that the devout Simeon was "looking for the consolation of Israel." And in Luke 2:38 the prayerful Anna was "looking for the redemption of Jerusalem." These were days of great expectation. Now the long awaited visitation of God was about to happen—indeed, he was about to come in a way no one expected.
Third, he is coming to redeem. Don't pour into this word right away all that we know of redemption from the apostle Paul. Zechariah probably never dreamed the Messiah would have to die to accomplish redemption. It took Jesus years to get the fact into his disciple's heads that "the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected . . . and be killed and on the third day be raised." There had been hints of this in the Old Testament (like Isaiah 53), but none of the Jews in Jesus' day understood this.
What Zechariah had in mind when he said God had visited and redeemed his people was probably the same thing Moses had in mind when he described God's deliverance of the Israelites from Egypt. InExodus 6:6 Moses quotes God, saying, "I am the Lord, I will bring you out from under the burden of the Egyptians and I will deliver you from their bondage and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with great acts of judgment." Zechariah, no doubt, is hoping that the Israel of his day will be delivered from her oppressive Roman overlords and that Messiah, the king of David, will reign over a liberated Israel. It has not been revealed to Zechariah that this national-political deliverance will not happen at the first coming of the Messiah, but only at his second coming. Nevertheless, we will see signs in Zechariah's son that the redemption of the Messiah is more than national liberation.
The fourth thing to notice about verse 68 is that God "has visited and redeemed his people." It is the "consolation of Israel" for which Zechariah hopes. It is the "Lord God of Israel" who is coming to redeem his people. The people in view are the people of Israel. This was the chosen nation to whom the promises had been given. God had the world in view, but he aimed to come to Israel first. So Jesus said in Matthew 15:24, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel." But just like there is a clue in Zechariah's song that God's redemption is more than national, so there is a clue that the beneficiaries of that redemption are more than Israelites. We will see this in a moment.
That is the way Zechariah begins his song in verse 68, "The Lord God of Israel has visited and redeemed his people." Now in verse 69 he tells us how this visitation and redemption will happen, "God has raised up a horn of salvation for us in the house of his servant, David." This is Jesus not John the Baptist. John was not of the house of David. Jesus is the horn of salvation.

The Horn of Salvation

This has been an exciting image for me to hold up before my mind's eye this Christmas: Jesus as the horn of salvation. The kind of horn meant here is not a musical instrument but the deadly weapon of the wild ox. This is the only place in the New Testament where Jesus is called a horn, so we must go back to the Old Testament, no doubt where Zechariah got the image, to see what it means.
Psalm 92:9 and 10 gives us a picture of what the horn stood for:

For lo, thy enemies, O Lord, for lo, thy enemies shall perish; all evildoers shall be scattered. But thou hast exalted my horn like that of the wild ox.

The horn is a sign of strength and a means of victory. In Micah 4:13 God says to Jerusalem, "Arise and thresh, O daughter of Zion, for I will make your horn iron and your hoofs bronze; you shall beat in pieces many peoples."
I used to watch Rawhide on TV when I was a boy and the program always came on with a stampede of cattle, most with big horns. But I never was very impressed at the size or strength of the cattle until I went to the Minnesota State Fair for the first time about six years ago. And it still makes me feel weak every year when I go back and see those prize-winning steer. Their backs are as high as my head. Their necks are as big as a barrel, and those two horns! Every time I go past that stall I think, "What if that animal got angry?" It is not hard to imagine that the horn of the wild ox became for the ancient near eastern people (who had no cars or tanks or motors) a sign of tremendous strength and a means of victory in conflict.
Verse 70 says that the coming of this horn of salvation was prophesied of old. One of the clearest examples of such a prophecy is Psalm 132:17, where God says concerning Jerusalem, "There I will make a horn to sprout for David. I have prepared a lamp for my anointed. His enemies I will clothe with shame." When a horn sprouts on an ox's head and becomes like iron, then he must be feared by all his enemies.
But in the Old Testament one always finds the conviction that God is the one who fights for Israel. He is the one who is strong and who gets victory over the enemies of his people. Therefore, it is not surprising that the only two instances of the phrase "horn of salvation" in the Old Testament are references to God, not man. One is in 2 Samuel 22:3, and the other in Psalm 18:2. Both record the same psalm of David after God saved him from his enemy Saul. He says, "The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation."
God is his defense (his shield) and his offense (his deadly and powerful horn).
He is a horn of salvation because he uses his power to secure and protect his people.
And that brings us back now to Luke 1:69. Jesus is the horn of salvation because he is a deadly weapon and tremendous power which, according to verse 71, God uses to save his people from their enemies and all who hate them. Zechariah means primarily; that the Messiah will one day literally destroy his enemies and gather his people into his land and rule them in peace. And indeed, he will when he comes a second time. But Zechariah's words necessarily imply more than that.
Verses 74 and 75 show that the goal of God's redemption in raising up a horn of salvation is to "grant that we, being delivered from the hand of our enemies, might serve him without fear in holiness and righteousness before him all the days of our life." God's aim in raising a horn of salvation is not merely to liberate an oppressed people, but to create a holy and righteous people who live in no fear because they trust him.
This means that the redemption spoken of in verse 68 must include redemption from fear of enemies and from all unrighteousness. And it implies that ultimately the people spoken of in verse 68 are not merely Jews, but are any who are not enemies of the Messiah, any who "serve God without fear in holiness and righteousness." So even though Zechariah is thinking mainly of the eventual national redemption of believing Israel, yet his own view of things, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, implies that this visitation and redemption of God is going to mean profound spiritual transformation and spiritual battle. And, therefore, to view Jesus as a horn of salvation is to see him not only as a national liberator but, much more importantly for us now, as a spiritual conqueror.
If the goal of God's redemption is to be achieved—the gathering of a people who are fearless and righteous—then he must conquer fear and conquer unrighteousness. And the good news of Zechariah's song—the good news of Christmas—is that God has raised up a horn of salvation. Jesus is the great ox-horn of salvation for all those who call upon him and trust him.

Our Desperate Need

If someone would have given me a guaranteed super-duper mousetrap for Christmas last year, I would have felt very little appreciation. We never had any mice in our old house. If someone gave me a guaranteed-to-catch-'em mousetrap this Christmas, I'd really feel appreciation because now we have got mice and I can't catch them all. If you offer me a quick ride after service to the emergency room at Metropolitan Medical Center, I'll think you are strange unless I see the gash in my arm or feel the severe pain in my abdomen. Then I would love you for the offer. If a police car screeches to a stop beside me on my way home from church some night and a man hollers for me to get in, I'll think he is putting me on unless I see the armed gang lurking ahead around the corner.
And so it is in all of life: we do not appreciate gifts that meet no needs or satisfy no desires. We do not value or love an offer for help unless we know we are sick or endangered by some enemy. Vast numbers of people look upon Jesus and the Christmas story of his coming as a useless mousetrap, a crazy trip to the emergency room, a bothersome pickup by the police, because they don't know that they have a terminal illness called unforgiven sin, and they don't believe in the fearful enemy, Satan. For them, the "horn of salvation" is a useless toy. For me, it is my only hope of recovery from this deadly disease of sin that infects my soul and my only protection from Satan, the most dangerous external enemy.
For there is a real and deadly disease. "All have sinned and come short of God's glory" (Romans 3:23). "If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us" (1 John 1:8). "The wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23). And there is a real and powerful enemy. "Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). "He is the god of this world and blinds the minds of unbelievers to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ" (2 Corinthians 4:4). So there is a deadly disease and an awesome enemy. And every one of us will die from this disease and be devoured by that enemy if there is no horn of salvation for us.
But, "blessed be the Lord God of Israel, for he has visited and redeemed his people, and raised up a horn of salvation for us in the house of his servant David, as he spoke by the mouth of his holy prophets from of old, that we should be saved from our enemies and from the hand of all who hate us . . . And you, child, shall be called the prophet of the Most High, for you will go before the Lord to prepare his ways, to give knowledge of salvation to his people in the forgiveness of their sins."
These two things make Christmas good news of great joy to all who believe. 1 John 3:8, "The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil." Hebrews 9:26, "Christ has appeared once for all at the end of the age to put away sin by the sacrifice of himself." Fear and guilt, the two great spoilers of life, have been taken away because Satan has been disarmed and sin has been forgiven.Hebrews 2:14–15 says, "Christ took on a human nature that through death he might destroy him who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong bondage." And through that same death he paid the debt for our sin, so that if we turn and follow him in faith, we are freed from all our guilt. "Blessed be the Lord God of Israel who has visited and redeemed his people by raising up a horn of salvation for us . . . that we, being delivered from our enemies, might serve him without fear in holiness and righteousness before him all the days of our life."
Satan may be a roaring lion seeking someone to devour, but none of those who take refuge in Christ, the horn of our salvation, can he destroy. If I were an artist, I would paint for my home a special Christmas painting this year and hang it on the wall near the manger scene. It would be one of those big oil canvasses. The scene would be of a distant hill at dawn. The sun is about to rise behind the hill and the rays shoot up and out of the picture. And all alone, silhouetted on the hill in the center of the picture, very dark, is a magnificent wild ox standing with his back seven feet tall and the crown of his head nine feet tall. On both sides of his head there is a horn curving out and up six feet long and twelve inches thick at the base. He stands there sovereign and serene, facing the southern sky with his massive neck slightly cocked, and impaled at the end of his right horn hangs a huge lion, dead.

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Wilderness

Do you ever wonder what the Israelites in the wilderness felt like? There had to be an assortment if emotions. We know they complained. A lot. We know they were discontent. Who wouldn't be tempted with that? It was a wilderness after all. They struggled with depression - and a little melodrama - contending they would be better off dead at times, under Egyptian tyranny and oppression at others. Hmmm, I guess I can be a drama queen, too.

All of the above emotions I, at least, can understand. I have walked them a time or two (or two thousand and more). And, funny thing is (Okay, really "funny" isn't the word. "Sad and pitiful" are more like it.) my wilderness can be in the waiting five more minutes for a child to finally, after little or no naps and many, many meltdowns, just go to sleep. 

But, there are other emotions I wonder about, too. In walking the unknown, for such a long haul, and being restricted to that time and place of wandering...do you think some ever fell into the trap of monotony? Did they ever feel like they lost a mission? Were they able, despite not being able to attain the big goal of the promised land, able to pick up the pieces of their daily lives and move forward with a passion on the smaller goals and calls? Did one ever struggle with what exactly they should do or prioritize as a result of life boiling back down to just the "small stuff"?

I wonder some of this because as things shift and change around me, particularly this last year, I get a bit lost. I grow more disorganized. I can't seem to get an order back into my life even on a small scale. Hence, productivity becomes unattainable - at least in any measurable or "usual" way for me. Now, life is just about one foot in front of the other. Get up and do the small stuff that you constantly question the effectiveness of. 

There's a lot about the mundane life in Scripture. Most days are just that for most people. Gospel is sometimes the only non-mundane thing. The rest is the hamster wheel and some of us fight to keep moving so we don't get thrown off the wheel! In the meantime to rally ourselves and remember that God ordains even the small and slow wandering in the wildernesses, we fight to see His Gospel in that and our need of a Savior to rescue us from our own entrapments of discontented hearts. We yearn for Him and should be out of sorts all along the way- even in times of plenty and rich Cannan lands here in this lifetime. But, we also should be happily and restfully at peace knowing that He provides over and over and over again, like the manna and quail in the wilderness. And, we, too, know that this is just a season of wanting and yearning. Our fullness will be complete when He returns. 

In a heartbeat

In a heartbeat your world can change. While trying to be sure grief didn't get the best of me and drag me down. While staying in motion, mission minded, with a focus towards being useful for my Lord. While striving to capitalize on moments with family - both sides - over Mother's Day especially in light of facts that my grandmother seems to continue to struggle. ...all of the efforts or momentum from just the conveyor belt of life abruptly stopped last week. My mother-in-law entered the gates of heaven quite unexpectedly for us. 

In one moment her heart beat. The next it stopped. And we all seem to be still trying to grasp this (yet another) new reality. I mourn. And the rest of the family mourns. And, specifically my husband, his sister, and his brother mourn. Although we know our mourning isn't without songs of joy and praise (because we are firmly assured of her presence being with our Lord and Savior today), we are immensely sad. 

We stand in the waking of this new reality and firm reminder that our days are numbered. It is firmly pressed upon us that there are so many things that we worry and stress over that are very non-essential. We recognize that our security by God's grace is sure and we should be resting and joyful in all the walks of life after moments like these rather than be so easily pulled off course by the things that all too easily distract and irritate us. 

Mostly, I wake to another stark contrast that this broken world presents when compared to all that our Lord is preparing for His children in heaven. The world yearns for a Redeemer and only the redemption that He brings. Praise Him that He has made that way. Praise Him for all the promises that even yet are to be fulfilled in the consummation and replacement if this broken and aching world with a new one.

What if...

If this most recent pregnancy had been smooth it would be very very likely I would be checking into the hospital at the latest tomorrow.  I would have been 39 weeks tomorrow and set for c-section since I was opting that route given all the drama with my pregnancy with Ethan.  Gabe's due date was actually May 10, and that will likely be one of my harder days yet since giving birth to his silent little body.

In reality, for the moment anyway, it is hard to imagine the what ifs for me.  The realness of what really is stands in stark contrast for one.  It simply is a matter of my past, our family history, at this point on the calendar.

Another reason it is hard for me to imagine is that we have so many other things occupying our hearts and minds at the immediate such as the worrying over my grandmother's recent fall and breaking of her hip that has landed her in a rehab facility and seemingly ushered in a new wave of dementia.  The questions continue to arise as to whether she'll come home or what new lifestyle she and my granddaddy (and by default, my parents) may have in the days to come.  For the very immediate, I also have my hands full trying to be wholly available to a little boy in the next room that is fighting a stomach bug.  Knowing that this week was approaching - the silent storm you feel the warnings about - is enough to preoccupy the mind.  But, to have it put on the back burner with true needs by those around you can be therapy in one sense.

And, third, I just don't know how to envision or dream or extrapolate things very easily - at least not beyond the reasonable.  And, because I gravitate towards reality, it is hard to put that down and close my eyes to pretend what it would be if it were not so.  I'm not sure that it is very healthy for me.  I already know of the battles that I have had this far - the questions of why and the bitterness that bubbles up because of the lack of understanding I have.  I don't think going and digging those back up really can solicit some new information or insight that could offer a solace.  The loss will always hurt. The reality of holding my quiet and  already gone little boy will always be fresh.  I don't need additional heartache and sorrow in thinking through all the joys that I have missed.

Likely, a healthier alternative for me is to look forward and dream towards reality.  Reality is that redemption is coming. Reality is that Gabriel is with the angels in heaven and my Savior and Lord.  He can't have it better here.  He escaped so much hurt, grief, sorrow, pain here.  This earth is broken and it shows it in numerous ways every day.  He didn't have to endure that.  He was able to advance to the arms of our sweet Jesus prematurely, but he is reaping all that joy today.  And, this is not dreaming an impossible dream.  It is dreaming right in line with reality to come - the realities promised in God's Word from the same mouths that demonstrated fulfilled promise after another.

And, yet, as I type this...I know that quiet storm is still on the horizon. It is still coming. I may not sit and purposely pause to think of the what ifs and try to imagine.  That is truly not my typical fashion.  But, at the same time, I do get broadsided with the pictures of what life would have possibly been for us with another friend's pregnancy timeline.  She's not a close friend. She doesn't post or "appear" much in my line of vision.  But, I know in today's very publicly shared world, I am quickly approaching the days of newborn baby announcements and joy shared all across my computer screen or phone.  I will be happy (modestly, I confess) for this friend.  And, I will sorrow.  I will sorrow because that *could have been* our story...if only...

...and that is the moment I fear the most right now - the moment I cannot possibly prepare adequately enough for.

Another day and another year

Yesterday was my birthday. I frankly have long been adjusted to being busy this time of year, so my birthday, for even me, generally comes and goes without too much fanfare. Honestly, that is okay as I don't particularly like taking pause to evaluate exactly how old I am getting.

But, yesterday also marked another day. It was four months ago that Gabe came so silently into this world. And, that fact stuck me hard somewhat unexpectedly Sunday morning in Sunday School class. I can't even quite figure out what triggered it. I think I was just randomly thinking what the date in the calendar was and, even though I should have already been keenly aware my birthday was the next day, it just hit me. Tomorrow was the 22nd. Again.

It does and doesn't get easier. You move on. Part if you wants to because there is so much still to be joyful about. Part of you has to. Other people need you to keep going and functioning. You do have a calling at minimum to accomplish. Most of us have multiple ones...and that is an honor in itself. But, grief -- when the sadness grips your heart tightly and seemingly pulls and tugs everything moving back towards that focal point--surprises you at times. I did and didn't expect it this week. The three month anniversary really did come and go with minimal impact beyond acknowledging and remembering.

But yesterday was different. It just rose up and still is fighting my thoughts for room to stand tall in my heart and mind today. I think - no, I am afraid, that as the start of May creeps up on the calendar that I am going to hit a wall. Perhaps literally as I can still get so angry. Another friend is due to have her baby and I know the baby pictures will appear online and remind me of my little boy that never made it that far. That is most definitely going to hurt. And, because I know this I earnestly want to build the walks to protect me. Before the storm rolls in, I need sandbags out and helping to reinforce things.

I can't breakdown. Too much on my plate. Too many counting on things from me. No time. No emotional currency left to pay for it either. Please God just help me stay strong and not implode or explode. Steady me.

Cast out the beam

Think of the most heinous sin you can.  What is absolutely unacceptable in "your" eyes? Obviously, some socially signed-off on no-nos can easily find a listing here including virtually all forms of abuse particularly of those that are so very innocent.  Perhaps vulgarities that I won't even dare to type surface in your mind?

Now, perhaps think of sins that others could commit against you.  You may not necessarily fear the most heinous ones, although they would not dare ever be desired or accepted by you.  But, since those seem a little more "out of the norm" mainly because society also sees evil for evil there, you don't really stop to think on them to permit them to turn your stomach.  However, there are a lot of things that really get us riled up and ready for a fight like someone backstabbing you, throwing you under the bus maybe at the workplace, or manipulating you into believing a falsehood.  Now, those are your "everyday" and "can happen to anyone" sins, right? And, usually we see those in others versus seeing them in ourselves - most especially when the OTHER is doing it TO us.

Did you feel the hair on the back of your neck start to stand up? Are we starting to get closer to home? Think of one of those hurtful and anger rousing sins against you.  They're usually not too far squashed down or far.  I think in a lot of ways, at least for me, I keep them in a well known "hiding place" in my history closet just so I can review and not get hurt like that again.  Because, for me, my anger always seems to stem from a hurt - or a perceived hurt (to be fair).

And, since I touched upon sins against us which led to the hurt that dredges up some anger in retaliation, let's just think for a moment on what also falls out of this...a fear.  A fear of it happening again - the hurt, betrayal, lies, and so forth.  Even if it all was born on a false perception, the emotion and hurt and fear certainly are real.  And, that's the harder part to just move on and forget about.  And, that's why those sins against us stick like glue and follow us and turn our stomachs (usually in a hurtful and angry way) when we just think about it occurring again or actually occurring if it were indeed a perception issue in the initial form. Those are the things that we certainly say we "won't tolerate" period, right? And, it typically hinges on how it impacts us - emotionally mostly, huh?

I know for me there are a couple sins that generally hang on some level of betrayal that I fear most.  They actually have NEVER happened to me, but I fear them.  I guess because it is so stinkin' commonplace these days that I feel everyone is doomed to have it happen at some point.  But, it still makes me mad - very mad. I can get worked up and bitter over something that actually hasn't happened at all.  And, then you know what? I get convicted. I get convicted on several levels regarding this (i.e. not trusting God to protect me well enough, not trusting the person like I should, worrying or being anxious over nothing - because NOTHING has even happened and here I am fretting over a "possibility" of it, etc, etc, etc).  But, mostly I get convicted because I don't see my sins as this hurtful and insulting and betraying to God, so I pass them over a little too lightly.

Ouch! I mean, OUCH! How would you react if someone actually had sinned the sin you fear most against you and then just seemed to brush it under the rug as if it never happened? Don't we do this every day to God? Really.  Take a second and breathe.  1.......2.........3.......... Did you think about it? What did you do that you knew you shouldn't do in the last 5 days, 5 minutes, 5 seconds? What didn't you do that you should have done in that time? The items could pile up fast for me here - in just the 5 seconds! How many times have I snapped or thought of snapping at my little 2 1/2 year old because he just won't listen and obey the first or second or third time? How many times have I been bitter about not having a moment to just reply to an email, or get the email to pull up, or that car to move out of my way? Patience is obviously not a strong point in my life. How many times have I said, I'll start that "diet" tomorrow? Or worse, grabbed a handful of m&ms because I "need" them?

Okay, so I'm not the "big" sinner that society thinks is so evil.  Thank the Lord for His grace in prohibiting that, friends.  Because the heart of a sinner is the same...it's all about me and no one else -- especially Him. The little sins are the same sins that nailed Him to a cross. The little sins are the same that will condemn the sinner to die.  I must must must start taking them a little more seriously.  I must, at minimum, think of them with the same disdain that I would a sin "against ME" would draw.  The most tragic in this? The sin that I somehow can elevate myself to a level that doesn't DESERVE anything negative against me...no betrayal permitted! Because? Well, because it's me! Yet, I do not grasp or give thought to that God deserves NO betrayal in every sense - small to large - from anyone INCLUDING ME! Yet, time after time, I gloss over my cheating on Him and sweep it under the rug trying my best to just ignore any hint that it was wrong in the first place.

Have mercy on me, O God! I am indeed a wretched sinner!

Highly caffeinated yet seeking clear direction

I have those brief and all too quickly fleeting moments of full brain engagement usually following a couple cups of coffee - at least in the dreamer portion of my head.  All sorts of fast hitting ideas whipping around.  Anything from "clean toilets today" to "paint the garage" and "plant a garden" (we're talking about every step from tilling to seeding, folks!) can land on my imaginary to-do list for the next 12hrs of daylight available!

I am LOADED with unrealistic expectation believe you me! I have this notion that I'm superwoman with an amazingly helpful and patient 2 1/2 year old sidekick at my side and in one day we theoretically should conquer the world.  Then my sidekick wakes up, asks for nutella toast (yet again! And, yes, I realize it is NOT the breakfast of champions.  Perhaps there is my first mistake of the day?), and the supernatural powers just never quite get off the ground.  By noon we have done well to be on a schedule typically! Usually though lunchtime seems to just sneak up on me and I am scratching my head as to what I could feed my trust sidekick today without repeating whatever he picked over the day before.

I admire women and moms especially that seem like they a) knew what today had in store and b) actually scripted it out!  Those that have any agenda and a learning play time actually on the ticket BEFORE it just sort of evolved into their laps AMAZE me.  And, I inevitably get a little discouraged by it since I never seem to be THAT mom.  I mean, seriously, some days I'm lucky to have the diaper bag on me with a snack available because we're stretching lunch to 1pm because we didn't get out the door until a full hour after I had thought we would, etc, etc, etc.  It's just tough and a learning curve I'm still trying to get a hang of.

MIA: Motivation, discipline, accountability

I don't know if it is a by-product of being a SAHM or not, but there are some days I lack the get-up-and-go that I once had.  Perhaps I always need a deadline.  Perhaps I always need to be stressed out.  Perhaps I just need a tight agenda with a huge to-do list (and some penalty for not accomplishing the tasks).  But, the fact remains, I lack motivation and dedication or drive these days.  I think I automatically take for granted that there's always tomorrow, so I don't HAVE to do thus-and-such right now...unless I really want to.  And, who really ever wants to fold that basket of laundry? 

Oh, there IS a point when it gets done.  I do get sick of it. I get irritated when the horizontal space in my place is occupied by anything and everything and I can't put my hands on some miscellaneous item that you knew "was just here yesterday!" And, overall, my place is not a wreck.  It is to me, and likely always will be as long as we have "stuff." But, it's not organized.  By far, not organized.  And, I do want it organized. I promise...just not enough to really get moving to do something about it.  So, I hen-peck towards organization while a mini-tornadoes of new clutter and the cycle of laundry, dirty dishes, garbage creation and collection, dust settling continues to go on and on and on.  In other words, I try to chip away at the mountain of foundational cleaning while I have to put down my tools and attack the normal maintenance things.  And, far too often, I'm afraid, I just sit down and throw my hands up because it gets old.  And, mentally, I've likely said that's "okay" to do - because there's always tomorrow. 

Am I the only one like this? Am I the only one that once seemed to be orderly and have a well-planned day and then when the paycheck and accountability from that paycheck disappeared, I stopped "working."  Oh, don't get me wrong. I understand that I shouldn't prioritize the housework over the child-rearing.  I understand there's a limit to the worry over maintaining the house.  But, I so struggle with the discipline aspect these days.  I need structure and accountability.  And, I'm not sure how to get that if mentally I can blow it off too easily.  How do I rewire my brain to prioritize it appropriately so I don 't find myself wondering what I could or should be doing yet giving into a lazy mindset? 

Just when you need it...

The Lord will send you an escape.  Although we have account upon account in the Bible - both Old and New Testaments - where the way of escape seemed to appear in the 11th hour.  Granted this isn't the path that type A planner personalities like myself prefer, but oftentimes by walking in the darkness and having to handily deal with our fears and frets firsthand, we learn more.  At least that is truly my own experience.  I hate it - learning the lessons the more painful and hard way, that is.  But, it does make it more real and substantial than a simple acknowledgment of truth when you read and "absorb" it alone.  For my own heart, it is a gross differentiation (by walking the path of trust when you really can't "see" what is coming or even around you) between acknowledging truth and LIVING truth.

My own testimony in the last 24 hours is this: I was despairing.  I was down. I was feeling alone and isolated and again found myself questioning even the unconditional love and pureness of motivation from the Lord Himself.  To others that may sound horrible.  On one level it is.  After all, I KNOW what He is and what He's done and continues to provide for - for the world, for others, for me! And, especially at this time of year that is pounded back in my brain. ...But, I still get angry. I'm still fragile. I still look right past the facts and go for the feeling.  I can't help but hear the voices in my head (not literal lest you think I am truly THAT crazy!) and let the arguments gain traction.  And, I fall.  I fall into sin time and time and time again.  So, I despair and think too little of God and strip Him of authority, supremacy, majesty, holiness, purity.  You name it.  I can do it all...and all in my heart.  Without ever reflecting it outwardly, too! But, I even reflected it outwardly this week.  For those around me, they also were subjected to my misery loves company in the last couple days.  And, so there I was. In the dumps.  And, feeling like I had not a friend in the world - including God Himself in some degree.

But, a light has flickered back on.  The veil lifted ever so slightly - all within a few hours - of my confession of despair and lack of trust.  When I faced the reality and confessed it to another that I was struggling, a few hours later I had some fears very specifically squashed with 2 - count 'em, 2! - counterpoints to those very fears!

So, all that to say, hang in there.  Confess, confess, confess. Reach out to another Christian and confess and ask for prayer and real encouragement.  And, in all of it, be honest and take it to the Lord.  He will answer. It may not be within a few hours, but He knows your 11th hour.  And, it will come.

To the weird half-tadpole / half-frogs out there:

This was good. Of course, some of the "halfway"-ness for me is in the fact that I'm still trying to line up the "feeling" and very real application of this truth to the truth itself.  And, I'm beyond the 34 year old mark, too...and still feel like I'm in the weird stage.

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/letter-to-an-incomplete-insecure-teenager

Is it just me?

There are times where I feel and have been told that I simply think too much.  I analyze more than the average person.  Some of this I accept, but given that I'm not that emotional of an individual compared to those around me (it seems), I would think that I don't think more than the average in how things make me feel.  As a matter of fact, I'd think that, in my own defense, I am analyzing in hopes of being reasonable.

However, that being said, I still think. I mull over things a lot.  When something is "off" then it eats at me.  When folks give their "help" and yet it always seems to be far more self-serving than sacrificial and that gets coupled with the data that they do not want to just sit down and have that cup of coffee and relate with me, well, I start to ask questions.  I question the sincerity. I question the level of care. I question whether or not I can count on a true friend that would back me 100% and then some.

I may be, in contrast, over estimating my own friendship towards others, but I like to think that I crave and try to find ways to let people just let me listen and be their friend in times of need. That's my first goal - a way of providing comfort and support to the person.  The secondary goal is to find the ways and means to minister or play that out by doing things that I can do to lighten their load.  Oftentimes, I feel that the secondary is what everyone else focuses on first. And, that can range from individuals to the corporate (the local church for instance).  We worry so much about the tediousness - probably because we can feel "good" at that and strike that to-do off our list and keep the belts moving on this workflow of our ordinary lives.  I don't know.  I just think I get so very disappointed in this tendency (even when I see it in myself) and, inadvertently, I end up directly hurt by it as well.

And, all that leads me to my own self-pity party, I guess.  When I get hurt by the "process" that those that even claim "love" or "friendship" offer, which makes me question the depth of their words, then I want to shout and scream and stomp my feet because I'm the one hurt. I don't like being lonely. And, sometimes the loneliest place can be a false assumption that you're being cared for when, instead, there's an abuse of the relationship to help the other party feed their own self-interest. Is it always like this? Is every single earthly relationship tainted in almost every expression with more self-interest than sacrificial love? Because if it is, I feel doomed.

And, that leads me to the spiritual point here:  Earthly relationships are all broken.  I may see them as more broken than the average person does possibly. I may truly read into it more than I should and internalize it and allow myself to be impacted by it more than the average.  But, truth be told, I'm not way off on this.  We're all in a battle with our self in this life. We do naturally want what WE want and not what another does. It IS a challenge to be sacrificial.  But, there is One that is pure and sacrificial in His love.  That's Christ.  He came and died (today is Good Friday and a reflection of that very date in history!) for our sins.  There wasn't anything that He gained from that or needed from that.  He served us. He served me.  He gave His all without consideration, because there was none, to His side benefit here.

I am fighting the discoloring of His sacrificial love for me by all my earth bound self-serving love towards me constantly.  I am having to hit the reset button in my heart and head when I start to wonder if in fact even He could (and did) love me unconditionally.  And, at the same time, in a very real "shaky faith" sort of way, I have to strive (that means work) for being content with just His love.  I willingly admit that I, as awkward and odd of an individual I may be, actually do want others to be my friend and love me for me.  That sounds so silly and childish, but it's a core part of all of us, I think.

So, until I figure out how to be "content" with it, how do I walk out handling the self-interested "love" offered up by others? I own that my reaction is one of disappointment and hurt and that inevitably turns into anger.  Flat out anger.  Anger that makes me want to yell this sort of thing into people's faces so they understand what I am saying and what it makes me feel like. But, I just can't just walk about doing that, can I? Apparently though, I can blog about it on a blog that most won't find so it will give me some satisfaction in analyzing it a bit further and letting some of the frustration out of the door of my heart for the immediate.

For the meantime

Refer to the pre-existing blog that this one is rolling out of:  www.spotlightonline.blogspot.com.